Audrey Kindred visited the Essex Society in Maplewood, New Jersey
to speak about integrating children into Ethical programming, Feb, 2014.
Here is the speech from which she spoke.
FELIX: Family Ethical Learning Is X-citing!
How happy I am to be welcomed to this particular house of Ethics in Essex. I’ve known Martha Gallahue from before she was an official Leader, and I’ve always thought the Ethical Society that has Martha in its hub is the luckiest one of all. While I am very good at the proverbial smelling of the flowers zooming into the magic of a moment with rapt presence, she has guided me to see the forest from the trees, to embrace my big picture of life. Being here to share with you is my great joy.
I’d like to address the collaborative potential among generations, with the guiding vision of what an ethics for Children program can become. What I offer today I hope will become instantly applicable to everyone in this room for a purpose you hold dear.
What is an ethics program for children? Playing with peace. A space for ethical learning enlivens a unique vocabulary. Here, words of deep value are spoken, drawn, explored. An experience of a word (KINDNESS) within a community that is absorbed in silent activity or in conversation together around this word – grows its value. Activity is to values what water is to flowers. When we hold a value alive in song, in play, in mutual wonder… that is it! Peace is a literacy. Respect is a literacy. Compassion is a literacy. Helpful action – or DEED is a literacy. Love of the global human family is a literacy.
Imagine if the CEO’s of the future were COE’s of the present! COE’s? Children of Ethics, of course! Children who drew and colored and sang and played in the domains of THESE values, these words, these concepts. Imagine a child – even yourself as a child – knowing they are not alone in their hope for a safe and loving future. A child who has an option to express their greatness in ways besides winning a competition, getting a good grade, being better THAN – but instead being WITH. Imagine a child who often gets into trouble experiencing new kinds of solutions to problems. Collaborative solutions. Collective decisions.
***
Let me offer a story: I currently run a mixed age children’s program, where ages 3-12 meet in a circle of equality and sharing. There are practical elements to this of course, but also the value held central is that we all have a lot to learn from being in the HUMAN FAMILY construct where we are not so age segregated as in school and much of life. We often open our sessions these days with THE WONDER BOX – a small pretty box full of folded questions to be chosen and put forth to the group. Children can add questions to some of the ones I have already planted there like: “What is something wonderful you saw on your way here today?” or “What animal do you love to pet?”
While I have written many concrete questions like this, a sparkling minded 9 year old boy named Jackson planted a question, and was eager for it to be chosen by another child. The question, when picked, was read to the group: “What is the answer to life?”
Silence. The wise home-schooled 10 year old named Timothy stood up in a contemplative stance and said, “I know! Because I struggle with this a lot! The answer to life is FORGIVENESS.”
“Tell us more about this idea you have,” I say.
“Well, we’re always going to get hurt by other people. Maybe someone bullies us, or teases us, or when we get older maybe someone fires us from a job. But if we can’t forgive that person, then we have to live with that anger forever. The other person might never even know how angry they made us, but we will be the one who suffers.”
I could not have taught this lesson more effectively. I could not have been taught it more effectivly! But I quietly wondered how that profound sermon settled among the children. We proceded with the lesson plan – reading a story about Martin Luther King through the eyes of his son, after we each were offered a simple MLK template to fill out with our own hope for the world – filling in “I have a dream…” A six year old girl named Aurelia was having her first day with us, and didn’t know how she’d like to finish this phrase. I offered some possibilities – she agreed with each, but wasn’t compelled by it. Then she said, “I know. I hope people can forgive each other.”
We ended with a sharing circle reading the placards at the end of class with one another. Timothy experienced the effectiveness many school teachers crave for a life time: to see the evidence of their teachings.
***
As I build creative ethics programming in communities, I am compelled to be a weaver of generations, and I like knowing and working with people of all ages. I am eager to believe in a vision of a global human family, and value the notion that “it takes a village” – not just “to raise a child” but to be “to raise our ethics” – not just a local village of people but a global village of mind. I offer myself as an ethical faith of a sort: that we are one human family, learning and growing together, each trying to do our ethical best. I act “as if” in order to find my ethical best.
When I regard my own being within the same frame as a person on the other side of the globe – Ethiopia, Hungary, Denmark, Egypt…. Like focusing the lens of a camera, I am instantly in touch with a new vision. I find here an instant ethical growth spurt of awareness. Of Wonder. Connection. When I zoom into the depth of my inner feelings and out to the infinite universe simultaneous, I experience intimate enormity – the great inner connected to the great outer. This zooming, I find to be expansive.
In this lens zooming versatility of mind, I invite you to try an intergenerational lens shifting exercise with me. Half close your eyes if you wish to for this, to look inside your mind. See yourself as 3 years old. Know your 3 year old self, instantly, like you are saying hello to a dear one. Now, see yourself at 7. Say hello. Know. Now, 13. Now, 24, 36, 49, 57, 63, 71, 82, a century old. Know your whole self. Embrace whom you have been. Now be all of that.
I propose that you are not your current age. You are instead, all the ages you have ever been. Many people see the age our body expresses and celebrates the age our birthday announces, but we are more whole than that. We do not leave ourselves to grow. We can sing to ourselves I am “all of me. Why not BE all of me?”
A friend once proposed the ultimate peace movement as we discussed the intergenerational divides that we try to bridge….That all people might wear a badge or pendant with their baby picture on it. Maybe you all would like to try that in your society. I imagine it could offer a unity beyond our imaginations for people to see the strong seed of each grown up, of each elder. When finding compassion for someone is a struggle, it is sometimes incredible to see that person as having been a baby – to know you would intend to hold that baby tenderly if it lay before you now.
When we regard ourselves within the same framework as someone at a very different life stage then our own, we let go of “other-ing.” We embrace that instant ethical growth spurt of awareness. Awareness of life’s big picture. Awareness of a living wholeness. When we embrace our own wholeness, we have begun to create an ethical children’s program. We can see that we are an inextricable part of the world we call “children.” We can discover the awareness of how our own wholeness is so deeply inextricably woven into the fabric of a human family. How about playing? Sharing wonder and the infinite openness and absoption of play, of being in the moment, or sharing wonder. Ask yourself: “when is the last time I played.” “When is the last time you played with a person who still looks like their child-self – “a child.” (not instructed, not babysat)
***
Allow me to tell another story at this point. This is the story of a wonderful yet rough 8 year old boy and his two 7 year old friends. It was raining and they went to the BSEC (Brooklyn) basement to play. They tossed a ball to one another. The ball broke a window. I was fetched to solve the problem as program director. I was afraid the society would be mad at our children’s program – at me. So, I had to quell my own fears which tempted me to lash out with reprimanding blame. I breathed deep and gathered my values – well learned in conflict resolution and compassionate communication studies.
One, I want these children to grow up loving Ethical and also one another. Two, conflict is a learning opportunity. Three, I too am ready to learn. I backed off from any version of “Who did it?” and quelled their temptation to blame by inviting them into a collaborative problem solving session with parents present as witnesses. An unsolved problem existed: a broken window in a collective space created a safety hazard and would need repair. The repair would cost money. Each family talked together to propose a solution they could imagine. Ultimately, the boys accepted collective responsibility, then wrote an apology to the community offering to be of help in some way through the spring season to the Buildings and Ground committee who would be fixing this window. They collaborated all spring with the elder leader of B-n-G planting a brick floor into a patch of the garden, for a new bench to sit upon. Other children joined them in the fun. They were committed and driven by the work. They bonded deeply with the adults working on the project. They couldn’t get enough of their “consequence” and each year thereafter they were eager to work in the garden with their elders. Who knows if they even remember who threw the ball through the window.
Here solving problems led to community collaboration, good will, and lifelong intergenerational friendships. The terrain of confronting the proverbial mischief of children is rife with ethical dilemnas to solve. Compassion, connection, and creativity are unique ethical tools to draw upon. Parenting workshops can provide incredible new tools for adult ethical learning. An opportunity for adults to workshop new and compassionate parenting tools is also a great program offering to serve the needs of young families. In this way, families at threshold moments (with young children, with pre-teens) are the seekers of moral grounding.
***
If one child is in the home of Ethics and you are willing to “play too” with the awesome core concepts that nurture and enliven the goodness deep within each person, then you have an ethics for children program. If you can discover two people in your community for whom play is really accessible and fulfilling, then you have leaders for your program. If you have a shelf with crayons, templates, blank pages; a space to move, some nature to be near, then your children’s program is ignited with activity. This is a place where all children – even the one within you each – is welcome. When we welcome this visio of ourselves, we unlock inner doors. We can then open doors between us and others. We can play. As a community, we can create ETHICAL PLAY DAYS and HUMAN FAMILY CELEBRATIONS. How do two people drawing side by side become an ethics program? They are given the structure to show, and share, and question, and appreciate.
Something many adults crave is a chance to interact meaningfully with children. Parents want a way to get lifted up from the mundane dailiness into specialness. An ethical program ignites that specialness of deep values, and lets it enlighten the dailiness in return. A value shared at EC can do this. A song learned can change the ride home. The vocabulary valued and the skills developed can change a family’s inner resource, and daily intergenerational toolbox.
Family holidays in our society need ethical support too. A “homemade” non-commercialized non-dogmatic unreligious BUT deeply meaningful gathering for the seasons is a powerful opportunity families crave. I’ve created THE HAPPY BONES FESTIVAL and THE GIVING THANKS FESTIVAL in the fall; a GOODIES-n-GOODNESS GATHERING in winter; THE NURTURE FESTIVAL in spring inspired by Mother’s Day. I provide forums for children to make gifts, and gratitude-kits for them to meet holiday demands successfully. An ethical society that offers its town a values-rich family day is providing a wonderful community service. Maybe it’s a seasonal FRIENDS AND FAMILY FESTIVAL – AN ALL-AGES PLAY DAY, where each of you bring someone. My own special memories of my Kindred grandparents are largely from attending their church with them, despite the fact that my own parents never chose church. Both my sense of family and knowledge of the world’s values and religions is meaningfully shaped by this experience. Share Ethical with your families this way. Regularly, through special occasions. This can meet deep needs for intergenerational community, and in a sense, it can be the spine of what you come to call your “children’s program”.
Seeds planted and nurtured, grow. We are the nurturers, not the “teachers”. We are the holders of safe space, and delicious words to play with. The children are the creators of a new emerging ethical outlook. Marvel more then narrating. The shape of their ethical expression may be creative and unpredicted. They will do their ethical best as you have Welcome them. They are our ethical collaborators. Equals in the global human family.
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